A Cricket in the Watchtower
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: What happens when you pair Disney's most lovable conscience cricket with DC Comics' surliest superhero? a whole lot of hilarity, that's what. it's Pinocchio with a very, very, VERY bizarre JLA twist
1. Meet Your New Conscience

**A Cricket in the Watchtower**

 **Chapter 1**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Lois shrieked in horror, all the Leaguers waking up

"what the hell is the matter with you?" Black Mask asked sleepily and grumpily

"well, it's about time you all woke up" a voice chirped

"who said that?" Hippolyta asked before gasping and swooning at the tiny green cricket dressed in a suit with a top hat and little red umbrella

"oh no. no, no, no and no. I am NOT letting THAT THING in my house" Batman snarled, about to crush Jiminy until Supergirl got the cricket out of harm's way

"Kara… gimme the bug. Kara, listen to your big brother and give me the creepy perverted bug" Batman ordered, Supergirl defending Jiminy

"Supergirl's got a lot of purity. But actually, I came here for YOU" Jiminy announced, pointing at Batman

"…what?" the Dark Knight asked as the Leaguers snickered in amusement

"yes. I've been very disappointed in your behavior. You're rude to your sidekick, you only think about yourself, you never smile or laugh, you're always grumpy and yelling, you always drink and swear, you always rant and rave, you always lose your temper…" Jiminy listed

"ok, ok! I get it" Batman snapped, before his nose grew an inch, Kara and Alex giggling in amusement

"oh no… no, no, no…" Batman whimpered as his body became more wooden and puppetlike

"until you learn to be kind, caring and selfless, you may be a real man. Until then you're a wooden puppet" the Blue Fairy decreed before turning to Jiminy

"I'm sooo glad I broke up with you. You really suck" the Blue Fairy spat, disappearing

"what was up with her?" Green Arrow asked

"you… don't wanna know" Jiminy said

"so… I'm a freakin…" Batman said, before catching himself

"I'm a puppet" Batman said through clenched teeth

"atta boy, son! Now let me teach you the straight and narrow path" Jiminy said cheerfully

"OVER MY DEAD BODY" Batman thundered, his nose growing even longer

"hehehehe…" the Leaguers giggled in delight, Superman recording every minute

"when you're in trouble and you don't know right from wrong, give a little whistle…" Jiminy sang, Kara and Alex whistling in sync

 **One song later…**

"…when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true" Jiminy sang operatically, the Leaguers applauding

"that was… the best lullaby ever…" Supergirl whispered, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep, sucking her thumb as Alex hugged her close

"I can tell Walt Disney would be spinning in his grave if he ever saw this" Batman grumbled irately

"yeah. He probably would" Jiminy agreed, Batman actually chuckling in amusement

"good one. You're not that bad… for an anthropomorphic cricket" Batman said

"I'm one of a kind" Jiminy replied, yawning as he rested on Batman's head


	2. Becoming a Real Man for idiots

**A Cricket in the Watchtower**

 **Chapter 2**

Batman did NOT sleep very well last night, thanks to his new so-called "conscience". As a matter of fact, the cricket is nothing but trouble. Coming into the Watchtower unannounced, scaring the bejesus outta everybody and to add insult to injury, some fairy or whatever turned the goddamn Batman into a freakin' puppet. This was by far the most humiliating thing he had to suffer through during his tenure with the JLA. The next morning, our puppet bat boy and his very small microscopic "friend" sat down to breakfast, where, as usual, Jiminy was the center of EVERYONE's attention

"he is soo cute. And look at that little umbrella" Alex cooed, everyone fawning over the new guest, ignoring Batman's grumbling

"Hera… please smite me. And smite this incredibly annoying nuisance on my head" Batman growled, when his nose turned into a nest

"uh-oh…" Kara and Alex said in unison, snickering

"I suppose I'm gonna go rescue my parents from a big-ass whale, supposedly die, then get reincarnated as a real boy, right?" Batman asked sarcastically

"eh… no. that was kinda overdone" Jiminy said

"oh thank Hera" Hippolyta exhaled in relief

"so I see you finally got a conscience. Maybe now you wont be such a big bully" Robin said

"huh. Maybe when I'm back to normal, YOU wont be able to do squat" Batman threatened, about to strangle Robin when the nest suddenly revealed baby birds

"WHAT THE HELL?" Batman screamed, the nest growing larger to reveal baby chicks and sparrows

"you know what Tim? You can drive my Batmobile" Batman said calmly, everyone gasping in shock

"r-really?" Robin asked excitedly

"mm-hmm" Batman nodded

"wow…" Robin uttered, a look of pure joy on his face as he walked off

"very good. You learned how to be kind" Jiminy said proudly

"so now do I become a real man?" Batman asked worriedly

"Nuh-uh-uh. You gotta learn how to be caring and selfless. Then and ONLY then will you get back to normal" Hush said

"well…it's a start" Batman sighed

"that's the spirit. Come on, let's go to the theatre and put you in a puppet show ran by a big, fat, smelly, greedy Italian" Jiminy said

"what?" Batman asked, incredulous

"uh… what year is this?" Jiminy asked

"2016" Hippolyta answered

"…oh. Well let's go to your work" Jiminy offered

"WAYNE ENTERPRISES? Are you kidding me?" Batman gasped, mortified

"trust me. I'll help you every step of the way" Jiminy assured, Batman exhaling

"ok, fine" Batman agreed

…

Bruce was very, VERY nervous. Not only was he getting weird looks from everybody, but everyone else was fawning over, you guessed it, Jiminy. That darned little thing has become the center of attention and… for some reason, Bruce is actually becoming fond of him. Bruce felt horrible for being such an angry, grumpy jerk for over 254 stories, and maybe, Jiminy entering his life was a sign of redemption. Huh. This may be pretty easy

"YAAAYYY! A wooden puppet! I wanna burn it! BUUURRRRNNNNN" Firefly cheered insanely

…or not


End file.
